Darker Days

As I begin to write this, my hands are shaking, my chest feels constricted, and my heart is racing.

Dark clouds have dimmed my days over these past two months. What caused it all exactly, I'm not sure. It may be that I was out of options for course selections for this summer and had no choice but to enrol in a child sexual abuse (CSA) course at university. Maybe it was coming home from my trip to Brazil and experiencing reverse culture shock, which tends to make me cynical, bitter, and antisocial. It could also be that I'm so burned out from life, school, multiple jobs, financial stress, and all of these things that can all too often be overwhelming. Undoubtedly, these dark days were caused by a mixture of all of what was mentioned above, and my past experience has once again caught up to me.

I'm struggling to put into words how impairing it feels to constantly be overcome with anxiety, panic attacks, flash backs, nightmares, and depression. When I began to do the course readings for my CSA course, I started to identify with what was being discussed. Guilt strong enough to keep you awake at night. Migraines. Constant body aches. You guessed it, all long term effects of trauma from being sexually abused, on top of depression and anxiety. I feel so angry at my abuse. It is a ball that has chained itself to my body, I carry it around with me everywhere – I get stronger because I have no choice but to, however I also tire from being tethered to it. I do not always think about my abuse, sometimes weeks can pass and it will not cross my mind, but other times it weighs heavy on me, and it cripples my ability to do anything. I'm not sure my father understands the life sentence he has given me. He did his time in prison for his crimes, but I'm left to handle this for the rest of my life. I don't think justice was served.

There have been numerous sleepless nights scared of the dreams that haunt me. It's just as scary to be awake. Flashbacks of my abuse that come from triggers that I wasn't aware existed. They've sent me to the floor in the fetal position, shaking and crying, completely taking over my mind and body. Panic attacks that tighten my chest, my heart races, my body shakes, my mind spins. And I'm in a constant melancholic state, regardless of other wonderful events happening around me. I want to be back to where I was just a few months ago, happy, satisfied, and loving life – but this monster in my brain protests, it demands to be acknowledged and dealt with.

I'm tired of running away from my demons. I'm tired of pretending to be happy, putting on a smile. When I walk through my door at the end of the day I fall to pieces. I'm embarrassed that I'm incapable of being strong for everyone else around me, that I can't always keep it all together. I feel guilty when disclosing how I'm feeling to people who are my support system, because I don't want it to burden them. I feel isolated, even with loving family and friends, and my partner who offers me an abundance of support and empathy.

I hope my current battle will be over soon, as my body, mind, and heart are fatigued. I'm not sure how to end this, because I'm not sure where I am.

Kora Liegh

Frustrations with the Media

Note: I am writing this as my own personal opinion and it is not the opinion of any organization or group that I am affiliated with.

Yesterday I was excited. The second annual Miles for Smiles took place, a walk to raise awareness about and for the prevention of all forms of child abuse. Despite the cold and misty weather the event was successful and all of the time and effort put in by our team was visible and everything fell into place.

However, yesterday I was also upset. There was not one media outlet in attendance at this event. Not a single one. Press releases were sent out to all newspapers, radio stations, and television stations in Newfoundland and Labrador explaining the event and its importance, both several days before the event and the day before. Why was this not news-worthy? Why isn't this something that the public should be made aware of?

I am not upset because I wanted news outlets to toot our horn, I didn't want a pat on the back, I didn't want sympathy for my experience as an abused child. I wanted to show the province that child abuse is more than present here, it's an epidemic, it's real, it's happening. Our ultimate goal is the prevention of child abuse and the only way this is going to happen is if we create awareness. We're here, we're creating awareness, but the media turned a blind eye.

Maybe the media didn't want to pay attention to our cause because it hasn't been turned into a franchise, because we aren't accepting donations, because it isn't sensational to report about. If it had been the trial of a serial sex offender the media would have been there to report. Good, you caught the bastard and you're trying them. Question: what about the child(ren) that were abused? How about trying to prevent child abuse from happening in the first place, raising awareness, teaching children their rights and how to protect themselves from not just strangers but loved ones. PREVENTION. If I could scream this from behind my keyboard I would. PREVENTION.

I wonder if our cause is too hard to swallow for some people. If hearing about child abuse puts a lump in your throat, if it makes you feel nauseous, if it makes you angry, then that is your first clue that you should take action. If you are a parent, an aunt or uncle, grandparent, friends with someone who has a child(ren), a teacher, or have children in your life that you care about in any capacity, this cause is one that is undoubtedly important to you.

Mayor O'Keefe remarked during his opening comments yesterday that if there was a pothole in the city that needed fixing, the media and community would be up in arms about it, however child abuse gets pushed to the back burner. People who care about potholes care because they can see how it affects them directly. Child abuse affects you too, even if you aren't a victim or know a victim personally. Victims of child abuse are scarred for life – some turn to crime, to substance abuse, others become abusers themselves, many struggle with mental illnesses such as PTSD, anxiety, depression, and so on, others use their voice to fight child abuse. You interact with victims on a daily basis whether you know it or not, and their experience has both direct and indirect impacts on you and what happens in your community.

Child abuse isn't the only cause that gets the shaft in the media, I'm aware of many causes that attempt to attract the media to their events with limited success. Then there are causes where there is hardly a need anymore for media attention because they are bubbling over with support, attention, and donations that they hardly know where to allocate it or what to do with it. The presence of some causes are well established in the province, the country, and internationally, enabling them to have the resources and the human-power to garner the support they need to see their cause recognized. These causes are so sensational that it becomes necessary for the media to be there, to tell their story that we can all recite effortlessly already.

What I am not saying here is that these causes that have a grasp on the medias attention are not worthy of it – they are important and are worthwhile causes. What I am saying here is that there are multiple causes out there that too deserve the medias support in promoting the work that they do. If the media took greater pride in working with organizations and people in the awareness and prevention of causes, there would be less people affected by what the cause is trying to stop in the first place.

Thank you to everyone who has shown myself and other victims support, who came out to the event yesterday or who have gone to similar events, and for all of you whom I don't know who are dedicated to worthwhile causes around the globe. As April wraps up and National Child Abuse Awareness/Prevention month comes to an end, the work doesn't stop there. We need to continue raising awareness about and preventing child abuse in all its forms.

Peace, love, and happiness,

Kora Liegh

Losses

I'm evidently terrible at having a blog, and my apologies to all of you who were hoping that I would post regularly. Writing about my experience is tougher than I had imagined it would be and trying to figure out what I should write about has been a challenging feat in itself. It's hard to write when I don't feel what I felt that day was significant, however seeing as I haven't posted in several months it's easy to see that I don't allow myself to recognize my experiences or believe them to be useful to anyone who happens to read this blog. What I would like to ask of you, my readers, is to tell me topics that you would like me to write about or to ask me questions – I feel like if we do it this way I will be able to write and post more frequently so that we can make this blog a source of comfort and inspiration for other people, as that was my initial reason for starting the blog.

There has been a few things that have happened since September, I'll write about one of the things that happened for today's post. The hardest has been the passing of my grandmother – my Mom's mom. Now, my grandmother was no ordinary grandmother, although I doubt anyone would ever suggest that their grandmother was anything other than extraordinary, but I digress. Nan Norman was one of the most important actors in helping me and my family get over what had happened to us. She supported us in every way possible, but most importantly she gave us the love we needed to stay strong and to overcome our hardships. Nan hadn't been one of the first people to know when I first told – we actually didn't tell her till months afterword, as my Pop, her husband, was sick with cancer and passed away exactly two months after I told Josh. Even through her heartache and grief she was our rock, and there are no words of gratitude that will suffice for what she did for us through those 10 years.

I've lost several people over the years, but there hasn't been a loss that has hurt my heart so badly as hers. She passed on December 17, 2013, just before Christmas, after a long, long struggle with sickness. Number 17 continues to be my unlucky number, as everything bad that has ever happened to me has happened on a 17^th. Nan wasn't just my grandmother, she was one of my best friends, and she was a second mom to me and my brothers. We had a special bond, the two of us, and I didn't feel like there was anything I couldn't tell her or that she couldn't tell me. I would call her up whenever I needed someone to talk to, many times about the challenges I was facing in dealing with my abuse, and she would always listen, she would share my pain, cry with me, be angry with me, laugh with me. Even years after I had told, Nan has been one of few people who I could trust with my pain entirely and who I knew felt my pain as deeply as I did. While I've never wanted to project my pain onto anyone else, it was comforting to know that I had someone to share it with me, and she did. I lost one of the most important people that I had in my life, one of the few people who helped me carry the burden of my abuse, one of the people who loved me wholeheartedly without fail, one of my biggest teachers in life, and one who believed I could do anything I set my mind to. I'm missing one of the pillars of my strength, I'm lopsided now, and there's nothing that can take her place.

What few people know about my Nan is that she was unknowingly the person who helped me see what was happening to me was wrong. Aaron and I were at Nan and Pops for a sleepover when I was 8 and he was 11. We were in the room we called our Uncle's and were watching a made-for-TV-movie. It was about a daughter who had a little sister and brother, and her Dad was sexually abusing her. She was the oldest and didn't want her father to do the same thing to her siblings as he done to her, so she would make sure it happened to her and not to them. (I have looked high and low for this movie but have failed in my efforts). I remember Nan coming into the room to talk to us both about sexual abuse and I can still hear her say as plain as day, “It doesn't matter if it's your dad, your grandfather, your mother, anyone. They're not allowed to do this to you and if they do, tell somebody.” She was the one who saved me, indirectly, unknowingly. I never told her that and I don't know why. I never told her that and I should have.

Thank you Nan for everything that you did for me, Mom, and the boys. Thank you for saving me. I hope you know how much you mean to me, how much I think of you, how much I miss you. I had you in my life for 21 years, but I'll have you in my heart forever.

As you can see, she is a very important person in my life. She's the first person I've lost who was essential to me and my healing process over the years, and I feel lost without her. This is a new struggle for me as I never realized that over time the people who were so integral to my experience would someday be gone. I know that she's with me now in a different way but the grief is never ending.

Peace, love, and happiness,

Kora Liegh

UPDATE: After I posted my blog today, my brother Aaron contacted me to tell me that he found the video when he searched again today. The movie is Liar Liar (1993). It can be found on Youtube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeReymnxJmw. 

Nan and I 

10 Year Liberation Anniversary

Yesterday marked a day in my history that changed my life forever. September 17, 2003, was the day that I came forward to my oldest brother of the sexual violence I had been experiencing for 4 years. It has been 10 years now since I told, a lot has happened in that time, much of it to be proud of and much of it to mourn.

Myself, my mom, and my two brothers have come a long way since then. I cannot speak for their individual experiences but I can most certainly speak for my own. But I will never be able to thank them for all of their support, love, and strength that they have shared with me all of these years, and continue to share.

I attempted to write a post yesterday but my emotions were overwhelming. I felt like I had accomplished overcoming the hardest challenge I have ever been faced with, and then I felt sad that it was a challenge I had no choice but to overcome. And then I remembered that the hardest part for me was over, but unfortunately that wasn't the case for thousands upon thousands of girls and boys, women and men around the world. I see it as my duty to be a voice for everyone who has experienced the injustice of sexual violence, and till the day I die I will fight so that there will never be a person who has to overcome this challenge ever again.

I wonder if it was a coincidence that the day I happened to tell 10 years ago falls on Sexual Violence Awareness Week. It's a little uncanny and gives me goosebumps when I think about it. A few days after my 10 year liberation anniversary, I will be walking the streets of St. John's with women and men to take back the nights that my innocence was taken away from me, over and over again (event information here). If you've been a victim of sexual violence, I encourage you to come out and walk with us. If you've never been a victim of sexual violence, I still encourage you to come out and walk with us, if not only to take back the night for every victim that has or still is experiencing sexual violence.

I invite you to join in the events this week in St. John's listed here (and if you're not in St. John's I hope there are events taking place near you). And to end my post, I want every man and woman to watch this video and I hope you share it on your Facebook and Twitter feeds.

Peace, love, and happiness,

Kora Liegh

Highs and Lows

Well, its been a crazy couple of weeks since my last posting. Between exams, Miles for Smiles, meetings, and interviews, I finally have a few moments to write up a post.

This past Sunday, April 21, the first ever Miles for Smiles was held in St. John's, Newfoundland. This event, which I talked about in my previous post, was to raise awareness about all types of child abuse. I was so lucky to be a committee member of this organization and I also had the opportunity to make a speech. This was probably the hardest time I have had when speaking about my experiences and the after effects of speaking have definitely been felt over the past couple of days. You can see my speech here, the recording distorted the sound a bit so I sound a little funny.

Whenever I write something, it's usually last minute, and I left writing my speech for M4S till the night before the event. I find I am able to creatively write better under pressure. My poor boyfriend had to listen to a few different speeches I had attempted to write but then I gave up. It wasn't until around 11:00 pm that I finally knew what I was going to write: a letter to my future children. I have just the letter attached to the end of this post, just in case you don't want to watch the video.

I had been up till 1:00 am writing my speech and then the anticipation for the next morning didn't allow me to fall asleep easily. I woke up 7:00 am and got ready for the day and I was strangely nervous (I normally do not get nervous for speeches.) I still can't pinpoint why I was so nervous exactly and why this speech has affected me so much since Sunday.

The event was absolutely fabulous. There was unexpected huge turn out and the crowd was filled with positive energy. It was honestly amazing to see so many people come out to support a great cause. But when it came time to do my speech, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to hold it together. You can hear it in my voice in the video when I'm speaking, the struggle I was having. My whole body was shaking and I could not control it. It started before I began my speech and continued even after I finished speaking. Once I finished speaking, if I could have ran and hidden somewhere, I would have, but I stayed on stage to support my friends and to appreciate all of the hard work that was put into this event.

The number of hugs, thank you's, and words of encouragement that I received throughout the rest of the day was out of this world. I feel terrible that all I could manage to say to most people for their kind words was, “Thank you.” It seems like such a small thing to say after all of the wonderful things people had said to me. My body and mind had gone into protection mode and I couldn't talk about it anymore. I wanted to go home and be by myself.

To write my speech, I had to remember and think on what had happened to me. I think all of my reflections about my abuse over the past month or so has disturbed my inner peace that I had built up in order to deal with it on a day to day basis. As much as I want to help bring awareness to this cause, sometimes it takes the best of me to do so.

Sunday evening, after all of the craziness of the days events had passed, my strength to hold myself together was depleted and I was pretty upset. I'm so angry about how I was treated as a victim since we reported it to the police. I'm angry that my abuser has received more sympathy from the system than I have. I'm angry that I had to pinpoint exact dates in order to charge my father. How was I supposed to know what was happening to me when I was 7 to 11 years old? How was I supposed to know to mark down every date that it had happened? Why do the dates matter? Does it make it okay if he done it one time or hundreds of times? I don't feel like justice was served to me or my family. I could go on, but I'll save it for another post.

It has been a high stress month in many aspects of my life. From completing my semester at university, to preparing for Miles for Smiles, giving my speech, preparing for a very important interview, and several other activities as well. It has all taken it's toll on me and it doesn't seem to be slowing down. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally tired, triggering a panic attack last evening. I'm feeling much better today as I had an excellent day working with high school students as a member of another organization I am involved with, and then I took some KL time this evening to drink tea and listen to music. It's very important to make sure to give yourself a break and not run yourself into the ground like I tend to do from time to time. The rest of my week is dedicated to some down time before my life gets crazy again.

I hope you enjoy the speech and my letter. Feel free to share it wherever you like!

Peace, love, and happiness,

Kora Liegh  

The Letter: 

To my future child:

I write you this long before you will ever enter this world because I want to give you everything a child should have. I want you to know that even before you take your first breath of air, that you will be brought into the world with the intention of giving you the best possible life.

First, I will make sure that the man who is to be your father will be the most honest, caring, and loving man that I have ever encountered. He is to be someone I can trust with my life, otherwise, I could never trust him with yours.

The day when you enter the world, is the day when you become my world. Every ounce of my existence will be for you and your happiness. Every choice I make will be made with you in mind. As my child, I promise to love you more than I thought could ever be possible. I promise to care for you in each and every way.

Because my childhood was denied the innocence it should have had, I will do everything in my power to make sure yours is as innocent and carefree as humanly possible. I promise to try to give you a childhood where it is overflowing with happiness and joy, and that it will be void of fear and sadness. I promise to protect you from any evil I can prevent, so all you have to worry about is how much longer you get to play before bed.

And when it's time to go to sleep, the only possible thing to scare you, will be the imaginary monsters under your bed. You will never have to worry about the awful that exists in the world, and rather you can dream happy dreams and sleep peacefully.

The reason I will be so careful in choosing your father, is because I couldn't trust my own. I promise he will be the world's best dad, because I will accept no less. I never want you to feel the pain I felt at the hands of my father. I never want you to feel the pain of not having a father to depend on.

And I promise to try to be as good of a mother to you as my mother has been to me. She was selfless for me and my brothers, and I promise to be just as selfless for you. She loved her children with all of her heart, and I will love you with all of mine. And I promise if I can be half the mother to you that my mother has been to me, that you will have an outstanding mother.

When you're 21, the age I am now, I hope that you look back on your childhood and say that it was a happy one. I hope it will be everything mine wasn't. I hope I give you the childhood I never had. I hope you get the childhood every child deserves. 

Miles for Smiles

Thank you for the wonderful response on my first posting. Although I'm always very open whenever somebody asks me about my experience, it's far more nerve racking to put it in words and to post for the whole world to see. To all of my friends, family, and strangers who read the first post and left positive comments, thank you for your support. It's through people like you that makes day to day life much easier. And to Devin of The Muse, thank you for taking the time to write a piece about my blog and getting the word out there.

The reason for my posting today, is to make you all aware of a wonderful event that will be taking place on April 21, 2013, in Bowering Park, St. John's. The event is called “Miles for Smiles,” a walk to raise awareness about child abuse, whether it be sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. I'm very lucky to be on the organizing committee for this event and I am thrilled that there will be an event to raise awareness about child abuse, as I find it sometimes gets put on the back burner. Thus far, we've had amazing feedback from the community towards the event, and the committee is on their toes waiting for the day to come.

The importance of an event such as Miles for Smiles, is not only to let the public know that this kind of abuse is happening everyday, but to let the victims of abuse know that it's okay to come out about what has happened to you, and that it is nothing to be ashamed of. An important thing to understand about the victims of abuse is that our abusers usually make us feel like we asked for it, that it was our fault they abused us. Feeling like it was your fault that you were abused makes you feel guilty and worthless. But to know there are so many of us out there who have been abused and that we can come together to be each others support and strength, that's an amazing thing. To know that even those who haven't been abused, support us too, that speaks volumes. We can be the voice for those who can't yet speak up, and hopefully someday soon they too will speak up and free themselves from the chains of abuse.

I recognize in myself that I can be made to feel guilty very easily, even when I know whatever it is I'm feeling guilty about isn't my fault, and I attribute this to my abuse. What I felt most guilty about since I came out, is the effect it had on my family. I felt that I had destroyed my family, that I was the reason my parents separated and divorced, that my brothers no longer had a father, and that we were financially struggling. I felt the need to take all of this blame onto myself, it was my fault, it was me opening my big mouth that caused all of this hardship and pain. And to this day I still feel like a large part of this is my fault, even though I know the difference. I know with every bone in my body that this has nothing to do with anything I did, it was my fathers actions that caused all of this. But the guilt still overrides me some days. Days like my two brothers graduations from high school and college. Days like my brothers wedding. Days like Christmas, Easter, and birthdays. Days when you should have a dad, which is everyday. This guilt can be indescribable. For those days when the guilt drains me, I have the support of everyone else who has been abused, who may have experienced a different situation, but understands the guilt that comes with this.

Therefore, an event that shows the community that abuse is not okay, that abuse is not the victims fault, and that as a victim you do not need to be strong all by yourself, is beyond important, it's necessary.

More information about Miles for Smiles and the schedule of events can be found at www.miles4smiles.ca or via our Facebook group here. 

As an added bonus, you will get to hear yours truly speak about my experience in person. I look forward to seeing lots of familiar and unfamiliar faces on April 21 to help in the fight against child abuse!

Peace, love, and happiness,

Kora Liegh

Welcome

Welcome to my blog "Life after Child Sexual Abuse."

First, I'll tell you about my history. When I was 7 years old, I woke up to my father molesting me. This continued for 4 years, happening 3-4 times every week, meaning I was molested over 300 times. When I was 11 years old, I decided to tell my oldest brother what was happening. This was the day that changed my life forever. My family didn't doubt me for a moment, making this journey a lot easier because I had their support. We charged my father and he was sent to prison. 

It's been 9.5 years since I came out about my abuse to my family, and it has been a long, hard road. I've been depressed, anxious, paranoid, suicidal, you name it. To this day I suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) where certain triggers such as sounds, smells, or even sights, can make me have panic attacks and can give me flash backs to the abuse. Its been 2 years since I was diagnosed with PTSD and I am constantly finding ways to manage the flash backs and panic attacks, but you can never completely control them. I still happen to go through deep, dark depressions, and that is something I'm trying to learn how to control and determine why they come about. Everything in my life could be going without a hitch and suddenly my mind is dark and sad. But with over 13.5 years of pretending to be happy and joyful, it has become second nature for me to show the world that there is nothing wrong, that my outsides match my insides. 

Since the first day that I told, people have looked at me and said, "You are so strong." If I had a dollar for every time somebody said that to me, I probably wouldn't need a student loan to get through school. And as much as I get told this, I don't feel it inside. I just feel like this is what I've been doing for the majority of my life. Smiling, pushing through, making sure everyone else's needs are met before mine. (I'm really trying to work on making sure I'm okay too.) This is just me. It's who I've always been, it's what I've always known. 

Now, for my positive side. As much as the abuse has been negative in my life, it has also been very positive in its own way. Yes, I get depressed, I have panic attacks and flash backs, and anxiety. But a lot of the time I'm not pretending to be happy. I am happy. Happiness is becoming something that is becoming part of my life more and more each day. How then, you ask, am I happy? I put all of the time I would spend thinking negative and dark thoughts into doing things that I am passionate about. My mother has always been someone to do kind things for other people, and I'm so thankful that she taught me that, because now I try to do the same. I'm working towards a career that I'm passionate about where I will help others. I'm involved in organizations that allow me to exert my energy in positive ways. I surround myself with (mostly) positive people. I do things that make me feel good about myself. I try my best to always think positively about everything (sometimes it's not always possible, but you can always try!) And lastly, I try to help others who have been through similar experiences as me. 

And that is what I hope to do with this blog, is to help others that are going through similar experiences. I have, for the most part, been very open with my family, that being my mother and two brothers, about my experiences and feelings, and they're the reasons I'm still here today, because they were always there for me when I needed them. Because they allowed me to talk about my feelings so much as we went down this road together, I believe it has helped me heal more positively than if I had to keep my emotions to myself. I've been very open about my abuse and my experiences to anybody who has asked questions, and I've even spoke in public about it. I soon will be engaging in my second and third public speech about my abuse coming up in April and August. I speak out, because it helps me heal and I hope it helps those of you who are in the process of healing too. I speak out because I am not ashamed of what happened to me, because I was innocent and it was not my fault. And I speak out for all of those who have been silenced, and I will speak loudly, I will scream at the top of my lungs, till the injustices of each child who has been sexually abused has been acknowledged. 

From here on in, I could talk about a good or bad day, challenges that I face because of the abuse, anxiety attacks, depression, things I read in the news, and so on. I cannot promise that this blog will always be easy to read. I will never put up specific details about my abuse, but I will always be very honest and forward about what I'm dealing with. And I hope, that this blog helps at least one person. 

Thank you for letting me speak, thank you for reading my message. 

Peace, love, and happiness,
Kora Liegh