Welcome to my blog "Life after Child Sexual Abuse."
First, I'll tell you about my history. When I was 7 years old, I woke up to my father molesting me. This continued for 4 years, happening 3-4 times every week, meaning I was molested over 300 times. When I was 11 years old, I decided to tell my oldest brother what was happening. This was the day that changed my life forever. My family didn't doubt me for a moment, making this journey a lot easier because I had their support. We charged my father and he was sent to prison.
It's been 9.5 years since I came out about my abuse to my family, and it has been a long, hard road. I've been depressed, anxious, paranoid, suicidal, you name it. To this day I suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) where certain triggers such as sounds, smells, or even sights, can make me have panic attacks and can give me flash backs to the abuse. Its been 2 years since I was diagnosed with PTSD and I am constantly finding ways to manage the flash backs and panic attacks, but you can never completely control them. I still happen to go through deep, dark depressions, and that is something I'm trying to learn how to control and determine why they come about. Everything in my life could be going without a hitch and suddenly my mind is dark and sad. But with over 13.5 years of pretending to be happy and joyful, it has become second nature for me to show the world that there is nothing wrong, that my outsides match my insides.
Since the first day that I told, people have looked at me and said, "You are so strong." If I had a dollar for every time somebody said that to me, I probably wouldn't need a student loan to get through school. And as much as I get told this, I don't feel it inside. I just feel like this is what I've been doing for the majority of my life. Smiling, pushing through, making sure everyone else's needs are met before mine. (I'm really trying to work on making sure I'm okay too.) This is just me. It's who I've always been, it's what I've always known.
Now, for my positive side. As much as the abuse has been negative in my life, it has also been very positive in its own way. Yes, I get depressed, I have panic attacks and flash backs, and anxiety. But a lot of the time I'm not pretending to be happy. I am happy. Happiness is becoming something that is becoming part of my life more and more each day. How then, you ask, am I happy? I put all of the time I would spend thinking negative and dark thoughts into doing things that I am passionate about. My mother has always been someone to do kind things for other people, and I'm so thankful that she taught me that, because now I try to do the same. I'm working towards a career that I'm passionate about where I will help others. I'm involved in organizations that allow me to exert my energy in positive ways. I surround myself with (mostly) positive people. I do things that make me feel good about myself. I try my best to always think positively about everything (sometimes it's not always possible, but you can always try!) And lastly, I try to help others who have been through similar experiences as me.
And that is what I hope to do with this blog, is to help others that are going through similar experiences. I have, for the most part, been very open with my family, that being my mother and two brothers, about my experiences and feelings, and they're the reasons I'm still here today, because they were always there for me when I needed them. Because they allowed me to talk about my feelings so much as we went down this road together, I believe it has helped me heal more positively than if I had to keep my emotions to myself. I've been very open about my abuse and my experiences to anybody who has asked questions, and I've even spoke in public about it. I soon will be engaging in my second and third public speech about my abuse coming up in April and August. I speak out, because it helps me heal and I hope it helps those of you who are in the process of healing too. I speak out because I am not ashamed of what happened to me, because I was innocent and it was not my fault. And I speak out for all of those who have been silenced, and I will speak loudly, I will scream at the top of my lungs, till the injustices of each child who has been sexually abused has been acknowledged.
From here on in, I could talk about a good or bad day, challenges that I face because of the abuse, anxiety attacks, depression, things I read in the news, and so on. I cannot promise that this blog will always be easy to read. I will never put up specific details about my abuse, but I will always be very honest and forward about what I'm dealing with. And I hope, that this blog helps at least one person.
Thank you for letting me speak, thank you for reading my message.
Peace, love, and happiness,
Kora Liegh
