10 Year Liberation Anniversary

Yesterday marked a day in my history that changed my life forever. September 17, 2003, was the day that I came forward to my oldest brother of the sexual violence I had been experiencing for 4 years. It has been 10 years now since I told, a lot has happened in that time, much of it to be proud of and much of it to mourn.

Myself, my mom, and my two brothers have come a long way since then. I cannot speak for their individual experiences but I can most certainly speak for my own. But I will never be able to thank them for all of their support, love, and strength that they have shared with me all of these years, and continue to share.

I attempted to write a post yesterday but my emotions were overwhelming. I felt like I had accomplished overcoming the hardest challenge I have ever been faced with, and then I felt sad that it was a challenge I had no choice but to overcome. And then I remembered that the hardest part for me was over, but unfortunately that wasn't the case for thousands upon thousands of girls and boys, women and men around the world. I see it as my duty to be a voice for everyone who has experienced the injustice of sexual violence, and till the day I die I will fight so that there will never be a person who has to overcome this challenge ever again.

I wonder if it was a coincidence that the day I happened to tell 10 years ago falls on Sexual Violence Awareness Week. It's a little uncanny and gives me goosebumps when I think about it. A few days after my 10 year liberation anniversary, I will be walking the streets of St. John's with women and men to take back the nights that my innocence was taken away from me, over and over again (event information here). If you've been a victim of sexual violence, I encourage you to come out and walk with us. If you've never been a victim of sexual violence, I still encourage you to come out and walk with us, if not only to take back the night for every victim that has or still is experiencing sexual violence.

I invite you to join in the events this week in St. John's listed here (and if you're not in St. John's I hope there are events taking place near you). And to end my post, I want every man and woman to watch this video and I hope you share it on your Facebook and Twitter feeds.

Peace, love, and happiness,

Kora Liegh

Highs and Lows

Well, its been a crazy couple of weeks since my last posting. Between exams, Miles for Smiles, meetings, and interviews, I finally have a few moments to write up a post.

This past Sunday, April 21, the first ever Miles for Smiles was held in St. John's, Newfoundland. This event, which I talked about in my previous post, was to raise awareness about all types of child abuse. I was so lucky to be a committee member of this organization and I also had the opportunity to make a speech. This was probably the hardest time I have had when speaking about my experiences and the after effects of speaking have definitely been felt over the past couple of days. You can see my speech here, the recording distorted the sound a bit so I sound a little funny.

Whenever I write something, it's usually last minute, and I left writing my speech for M4S till the night before the event. I find I am able to creatively write better under pressure. My poor boyfriend had to listen to a few different speeches I had attempted to write but then I gave up. It wasn't until around 11:00 pm that I finally knew what I was going to write: a letter to my future children. I have just the letter attached to the end of this post, just in case you don't want to watch the video.

I had been up till 1:00 am writing my speech and then the anticipation for the next morning didn't allow me to fall asleep easily. I woke up 7:00 am and got ready for the day and I was strangely nervous (I normally do not get nervous for speeches.) I still can't pinpoint why I was so nervous exactly and why this speech has affected me so much since Sunday.

The event was absolutely fabulous. There was unexpected huge turn out and the crowd was filled with positive energy. It was honestly amazing to see so many people come out to support a great cause. But when it came time to do my speech, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to hold it together. You can hear it in my voice in the video when I'm speaking, the struggle I was having. My whole body was shaking and I could not control it. It started before I began my speech and continued even after I finished speaking. Once I finished speaking, if I could have ran and hidden somewhere, I would have, but I stayed on stage to support my friends and to appreciate all of the hard work that was put into this event.

The number of hugs, thank you's, and words of encouragement that I received throughout the rest of the day was out of this world. I feel terrible that all I could manage to say to most people for their kind words was, “Thank you.” It seems like such a small thing to say after all of the wonderful things people had said to me. My body and mind had gone into protection mode and I couldn't talk about it anymore. I wanted to go home and be by myself.

To write my speech, I had to remember and think on what had happened to me. I think all of my reflections about my abuse over the past month or so has disturbed my inner peace that I had built up in order to deal with it on a day to day basis. As much as I want to help bring awareness to this cause, sometimes it takes the best of me to do so.

Sunday evening, after all of the craziness of the days events had passed, my strength to hold myself together was depleted and I was pretty upset. I'm so angry about how I was treated as a victim since we reported it to the police. I'm angry that my abuser has received more sympathy from the system than I have. I'm angry that I had to pinpoint exact dates in order to charge my father. How was I supposed to know what was happening to me when I was 7 to 11 years old? How was I supposed to know to mark down every date that it had happened? Why do the dates matter? Does it make it okay if he done it one time or hundreds of times? I don't feel like justice was served to me or my family. I could go on, but I'll save it for another post.

It has been a high stress month in many aspects of my life. From completing my semester at university, to preparing for Miles for Smiles, giving my speech, preparing for a very important interview, and several other activities as well. It has all taken it's toll on me and it doesn't seem to be slowing down. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally tired, triggering a panic attack last evening. I'm feeling much better today as I had an excellent day working with high school students as a member of another organization I am involved with, and then I took some KL time this evening to drink tea and listen to music. It's very important to make sure to give yourself a break and not run yourself into the ground like I tend to do from time to time. The rest of my week is dedicated to some down time before my life gets crazy again.

I hope you enjoy the speech and my letter. Feel free to share it wherever you like!

Peace, love, and happiness,

Kora Liegh  

The Letter: 

To my future child:

I write you this long before you will ever enter this world because I want to give you everything a child should have. I want you to know that even before you take your first breath of air, that you will be brought into the world with the intention of giving you the best possible life.

First, I will make sure that the man who is to be your father will be the most honest, caring, and loving man that I have ever encountered. He is to be someone I can trust with my life, otherwise, I could never trust him with yours.

The day when you enter the world, is the day when you become my world. Every ounce of my existence will be for you and your happiness. Every choice I make will be made with you in mind. As my child, I promise to love you more than I thought could ever be possible. I promise to care for you in each and every way.

Because my childhood was denied the innocence it should have had, I will do everything in my power to make sure yours is as innocent and carefree as humanly possible. I promise to try to give you a childhood where it is overflowing with happiness and joy, and that it will be void of fear and sadness. I promise to protect you from any evil I can prevent, so all you have to worry about is how much longer you get to play before bed.

And when it's time to go to sleep, the only possible thing to scare you, will be the imaginary monsters under your bed. You will never have to worry about the awful that exists in the world, and rather you can dream happy dreams and sleep peacefully.

The reason I will be so careful in choosing your father, is because I couldn't trust my own. I promise he will be the world's best dad, because I will accept no less. I never want you to feel the pain I felt at the hands of my father. I never want you to feel the pain of not having a father to depend on.

And I promise to try to be as good of a mother to you as my mother has been to me. She was selfless for me and my brothers, and I promise to be just as selfless for you. She loved her children with all of her heart, and I will love you with all of mine. And I promise if I can be half the mother to you that my mother has been to me, that you will have an outstanding mother.

When you're 21, the age I am now, I hope that you look back on your childhood and say that it was a happy one. I hope it will be everything mine wasn't. I hope I give you the childhood I never had. I hope you get the childhood every child deserves. 

Miles for Smiles

Thank you for the wonderful response on my first posting. Although I'm always very open whenever somebody asks me about my experience, it's far more nerve racking to put it in words and to post for the whole world to see. To all of my friends, family, and strangers who read the first post and left positive comments, thank you for your support. It's through people like you that makes day to day life much easier. And to Devin of The Muse, thank you for taking the time to write a piece about my blog and getting the word out there.

The reason for my posting today, is to make you all aware of a wonderful event that will be taking place on April 21, 2013, in Bowering Park, St. John's. The event is called “Miles for Smiles,” a walk to raise awareness about child abuse, whether it be sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. I'm very lucky to be on the organizing committee for this event and I am thrilled that there will be an event to raise awareness about child abuse, as I find it sometimes gets put on the back burner. Thus far, we've had amazing feedback from the community towards the event, and the committee is on their toes waiting for the day to come.

The importance of an event such as Miles for Smiles, is not only to let the public know that this kind of abuse is happening everyday, but to let the victims of abuse know that it's okay to come out about what has happened to you, and that it is nothing to be ashamed of. An important thing to understand about the victims of abuse is that our abusers usually make us feel like we asked for it, that it was our fault they abused us. Feeling like it was your fault that you were abused makes you feel guilty and worthless. But to know there are so many of us out there who have been abused and that we can come together to be each others support and strength, that's an amazing thing. To know that even those who haven't been abused, support us too, that speaks volumes. We can be the voice for those who can't yet speak up, and hopefully someday soon they too will speak up and free themselves from the chains of abuse.

I recognize in myself that I can be made to feel guilty very easily, even when I know whatever it is I'm feeling guilty about isn't my fault, and I attribute this to my abuse. What I felt most guilty about since I came out, is the effect it had on my family. I felt that I had destroyed my family, that I was the reason my parents separated and divorced, that my brothers no longer had a father, and that we were financially struggling. I felt the need to take all of this blame onto myself, it was my fault, it was me opening my big mouth that caused all of this hardship and pain. And to this day I still feel like a large part of this is my fault, even though I know the difference. I know with every bone in my body that this has nothing to do with anything I did, it was my fathers actions that caused all of this. But the guilt still overrides me some days. Days like my two brothers graduations from high school and college. Days like my brothers wedding. Days like Christmas, Easter, and birthdays. Days when you should have a dad, which is everyday. This guilt can be indescribable. For those days when the guilt drains me, I have the support of everyone else who has been abused, who may have experienced a different situation, but understands the guilt that comes with this.

Therefore, an event that shows the community that abuse is not okay, that abuse is not the victims fault, and that as a victim you do not need to be strong all by yourself, is beyond important, it's necessary.

More information about Miles for Smiles and the schedule of events can be found at www.miles4smiles.ca or via our Facebook group here. 

As an added bonus, you will get to hear yours truly speak about my experience in person. I look forward to seeing lots of familiar and unfamiliar faces on April 21 to help in the fight against child abuse!

Peace, love, and happiness,

Kora Liegh

Welcome

Welcome to my blog "Life after Child Sexual Abuse."

First, I'll tell you about my history. When I was 7 years old, I woke up to my father molesting me. This continued for 4 years, happening 3-4 times every week, meaning I was molested over 300 times. When I was 11 years old, I decided to tell my oldest brother what was happening. This was the day that changed my life forever. My family didn't doubt me for a moment, making this journey a lot easier because I had their support. We charged my father and he was sent to prison. 

It's been 9.5 years since I came out about my abuse to my family, and it has been a long, hard road. I've been depressed, anxious, paranoid, suicidal, you name it. To this day I suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) where certain triggers such as sounds, smells, or even sights, can make me have panic attacks and can give me flash backs to the abuse. Its been 2 years since I was diagnosed with PTSD and I am constantly finding ways to manage the flash backs and panic attacks, but you can never completely control them. I still happen to go through deep, dark depressions, and that is something I'm trying to learn how to control and determine why they come about. Everything in my life could be going without a hitch and suddenly my mind is dark and sad. But with over 13.5 years of pretending to be happy and joyful, it has become second nature for me to show the world that there is nothing wrong, that my outsides match my insides. 

Since the first day that I told, people have looked at me and said, "You are so strong." If I had a dollar for every time somebody said that to me, I probably wouldn't need a student loan to get through school. And as much as I get told this, I don't feel it inside. I just feel like this is what I've been doing for the majority of my life. Smiling, pushing through, making sure everyone else's needs are met before mine. (I'm really trying to work on making sure I'm okay too.) This is just me. It's who I've always been, it's what I've always known. 

Now, for my positive side. As much as the abuse has been negative in my life, it has also been very positive in its own way. Yes, I get depressed, I have panic attacks and flash backs, and anxiety. But a lot of the time I'm not pretending to be happy. I am happy. Happiness is becoming something that is becoming part of my life more and more each day. How then, you ask, am I happy? I put all of the time I would spend thinking negative and dark thoughts into doing things that I am passionate about. My mother has always been someone to do kind things for other people, and I'm so thankful that she taught me that, because now I try to do the same. I'm working towards a career that I'm passionate about where I will help others. I'm involved in organizations that allow me to exert my energy in positive ways. I surround myself with (mostly) positive people. I do things that make me feel good about myself. I try my best to always think positively about everything (sometimes it's not always possible, but you can always try!) And lastly, I try to help others who have been through similar experiences as me. 

And that is what I hope to do with this blog, is to help others that are going through similar experiences. I have, for the most part, been very open with my family, that being my mother and two brothers, about my experiences and feelings, and they're the reasons I'm still here today, because they were always there for me when I needed them. Because they allowed me to talk about my feelings so much as we went down this road together, I believe it has helped me heal more positively than if I had to keep my emotions to myself. I've been very open about my abuse and my experiences to anybody who has asked questions, and I've even spoke in public about it. I soon will be engaging in my second and third public speech about my abuse coming up in April and August. I speak out, because it helps me heal and I hope it helps those of you who are in the process of healing too. I speak out because I am not ashamed of what happened to me, because I was innocent and it was not my fault. And I speak out for all of those who have been silenced, and I will speak loudly, I will scream at the top of my lungs, till the injustices of each child who has been sexually abused has been acknowledged. 

From here on in, I could talk about a good or bad day, challenges that I face because of the abuse, anxiety attacks, depression, things I read in the news, and so on. I cannot promise that this blog will always be easy to read. I will never put up specific details about my abuse, but I will always be very honest and forward about what I'm dealing with. And I hope, that this blog helps at least one person. 

Thank you for letting me speak, thank you for reading my message. 

Peace, love, and happiness,
Kora Liegh