Highs and Lows

Well, its been a crazy couple of weeks since my last posting. Between exams, Miles for Smiles, meetings, and interviews, I finally have a few moments to write up a post.

This past Sunday, April 21, the first ever Miles for Smiles was held in St. John's, Newfoundland. This event, which I talked about in my previous post, was to raise awareness about all types of child abuse. I was so lucky to be a committee member of this organization and I also had the opportunity to make a speech. This was probably the hardest time I have had when speaking about my experiences and the after effects of speaking have definitely been felt over the past couple of days. You can see my speech here, the recording distorted the sound a bit so I sound a little funny.

Whenever I write something, it's usually last minute, and I left writing my speech for M4S till the night before the event. I find I am able to creatively write better under pressure. My poor boyfriend had to listen to a few different speeches I had attempted to write but then I gave up. It wasn't until around 11:00 pm that I finally knew what I was going to write: a letter to my future children. I have just the letter attached to the end of this post, just in case you don't want to watch the video.

I had been up till 1:00 am writing my speech and then the anticipation for the next morning didn't allow me to fall asleep easily. I woke up 7:00 am and got ready for the day and I was strangely nervous (I normally do not get nervous for speeches.) I still can't pinpoint why I was so nervous exactly and why this speech has affected me so much since Sunday.

The event was absolutely fabulous. There was unexpected huge turn out and the crowd was filled with positive energy. It was honestly amazing to see so many people come out to support a great cause. But when it came time to do my speech, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to hold it together. You can hear it in my voice in the video when I'm speaking, the struggle I was having. My whole body was shaking and I could not control it. It started before I began my speech and continued even after I finished speaking. Once I finished speaking, if I could have ran and hidden somewhere, I would have, but I stayed on stage to support my friends and to appreciate all of the hard work that was put into this event.

The number of hugs, thank you's, and words of encouragement that I received throughout the rest of the day was out of this world. I feel terrible that all I could manage to say to most people for their kind words was, “Thank you.” It seems like such a small thing to say after all of the wonderful things people had said to me. My body and mind had gone into protection mode and I couldn't talk about it anymore. I wanted to go home and be by myself.

To write my speech, I had to remember and think on what had happened to me. I think all of my reflections about my abuse over the past month or so has disturbed my inner peace that I had built up in order to deal with it on a day to day basis. As much as I want to help bring awareness to this cause, sometimes it takes the best of me to do so.

Sunday evening, after all of the craziness of the days events had passed, my strength to hold myself together was depleted and I was pretty upset. I'm so angry about how I was treated as a victim since we reported it to the police. I'm angry that my abuser has received more sympathy from the system than I have. I'm angry that I had to pinpoint exact dates in order to charge my father. How was I supposed to know what was happening to me when I was 7 to 11 years old? How was I supposed to know to mark down every date that it had happened? Why do the dates matter? Does it make it okay if he done it one time or hundreds of times? I don't feel like justice was served to me or my family. I could go on, but I'll save it for another post.

It has been a high stress month in many aspects of my life. From completing my semester at university, to preparing for Miles for Smiles, giving my speech, preparing for a very important interview, and several other activities as well. It has all taken it's toll on me and it doesn't seem to be slowing down. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally tired, triggering a panic attack last evening. I'm feeling much better today as I had an excellent day working with high school students as a member of another organization I am involved with, and then I took some KL time this evening to drink tea and listen to music. It's very important to make sure to give yourself a break and not run yourself into the ground like I tend to do from time to time. The rest of my week is dedicated to some down time before my life gets crazy again.

I hope you enjoy the speech and my letter. Feel free to share it wherever you like!

Peace, love, and happiness,

Kora Liegh  

The Letter: 

To my future child:

I write you this long before you will ever enter this world because I want to give you everything a child should have. I want you to know that even before you take your first breath of air, that you will be brought into the world with the intention of giving you the best possible life.

First, I will make sure that the man who is to be your father will be the most honest, caring, and loving man that I have ever encountered. He is to be someone I can trust with my life, otherwise, I could never trust him with yours.

The day when you enter the world, is the day when you become my world. Every ounce of my existence will be for you and your happiness. Every choice I make will be made with you in mind. As my child, I promise to love you more than I thought could ever be possible. I promise to care for you in each and every way.

Because my childhood was denied the innocence it should have had, I will do everything in my power to make sure yours is as innocent and carefree as humanly possible. I promise to try to give you a childhood where it is overflowing with happiness and joy, and that it will be void of fear and sadness. I promise to protect you from any evil I can prevent, so all you have to worry about is how much longer you get to play before bed.

And when it's time to go to sleep, the only possible thing to scare you, will be the imaginary monsters under your bed. You will never have to worry about the awful that exists in the world, and rather you can dream happy dreams and sleep peacefully.

The reason I will be so careful in choosing your father, is because I couldn't trust my own. I promise he will be the world's best dad, because I will accept no less. I never want you to feel the pain I felt at the hands of my father. I never want you to feel the pain of not having a father to depend on.

And I promise to try to be as good of a mother to you as my mother has been to me. She was selfless for me and my brothers, and I promise to be just as selfless for you. She loved her children with all of her heart, and I will love you with all of mine. And I promise if I can be half the mother to you that my mother has been to me, that you will have an outstanding mother.

When you're 21, the age I am now, I hope that you look back on your childhood and say that it was a happy one. I hope it will be everything mine wasn't. I hope I give you the childhood I never had. I hope you get the childhood every child deserves.